You know that bit in Mean Girls where Amy Poehler is like “I’m not a regular Mom, I’m a cool Mom” and then asks her daughter and her friends about the “411”, the “hot gossip” and the “cool jams”?
That’s what this week has been like for us Abbott daughters. Just one long montage of watching Tony call his candidates “young, feisty, with a bit of sex appeal” and coercing us into jog on camera with him so he can look cool.
I’m beginning to hallucinate that I actually am Regina George, I’ve rolled my eyes and said “please stop talking” to my father so many times this week.
"My daughters think you’re the most wonderful singer…they are so desperate to meet you"
This is actually worse than the time Dad tried to get the Wiggles to play at my 18th birthday.
If anyone needs me I’ll just be at home dismantling every piece of technology Dad owns so he cannot get his hands on “Hot and Cold” as his new anthem. Family is so hard sometimes.
Day Two of Embarrassment Season and I am empathising with this little fella at the front who clearly believes if he doesn’t have to look at Tony he won’t have to answer his questions.
I can see what’s going on in this interview and it’s clearly being run the same way as an Abbott family afternoon tea. Dad asks you something with an obvious monosyllabic answer like “do you like school?” or “do you want to grow up?”, the point of which is invariably so that he can explain to you why he is the only reason that school or growing up is possible. Also he keeps the Tim Tams out of reach until you agree with him.
Asked by fighttoflyfighttowin
Thanks for your insightful commentary Alex. I personally enjoyed visiting your family friendly tumblr, the pictures of breasts juxtaposed with Harry Potter fandom really reflect your maturity and authority to tell people what is and isn’t appropriate satire in modern Australian political circumstance.
Can we just accept before we even begin this election season that Dad plans on turning boats around?
Once when I was young I foolishly asked him if I could make my plastic ship go from one end of my bubble bath to the other without turning around and going back. He punished me worse for that question than every teen misdemeanor combined.
I learned quickly as the rest of you should, that Tony likes to turn his boats around. No go straight-straight.
While other youths are busy endorsing Mr Rudd’s campaign to be the most popular teenage girl on Instagram, the next generation of Abbott women are quietly doing their part by keeping Tony’s tie wiped down with antibacterial serum. You’re Welcome.
"Did you just call me Dad? That’s Prime Minister to you, young lady…"
Tonight I am feeling lucky again, because my Dad is not Kevin Rudd.
Tonight he went on national television as Prime Dork Elect of Australia for the second time and predictably made a very weird promise to “turn on” the young people of Australia in exchange for their votes.
He then made a Dad joke involving energy and gas so bad that I will not dignify it with more web presence, lest I re-traumatise my long suffering friend Jessica.
The nightmare begins again tonight for his children, but rest assured there will be equal amount of smugness to be tolerated in the Abbott household this evening.
P.S. Remember this? That’s right, no one prints of t-shirts that daggy with only a backbench seat in mind. Welcome to the least fashionable political campaign in Western Memory.
I would make some cute joke about how Aunty Peta Credlin is always the life of the party, but what’s the point? The only thing that surprised me when Dad told me that his Chief of Staff was busted drink driving last Thursday night in Canberra was that someone actually got caught drink driving on a Thursday night in Canberra. And the low range reading. Does she not know that Academy has $3 drinks on a Thursday?
URGENT: It’s time for the factionalism amongst the offspring of Australian politicians to end. We need to band together against embarrassing behaviour like this on Instagram and IRL. Jessica Rudd might be married but her sex life is officially over, thanks to the fact that every question she asks for the next four years is going to be answered with the phrase“‘it’s your Ruddy future/ love life/ kitchen renovation…”. If we don’t put a stop to it some of the other parents might start thinking slogan t-shirts are a good idea and before we know it the Northern Suburbs of Sydney are filled with little kids wearing shirts that say “Make Good Abbotts” or something. And then my father’s subliminal campaign to keep his daughter’s chaste until we die via public humiliation will finally be successful.
Dad got insecure about my earlier post and tweeted his signature on the London Declaration against Antisemitism. If you look closely you can still see that Malcolm got there first, as he usually does before Dad comes in and claims he can do something better.